SAD! Where is my daylight?

It's gone. I can't even say what it was anymore.

It is as if a part of me has died, or moved away to a warm and sunny place and left me here in the cold to fend for myself. I have been trying not to let it happen again this year but all the sudden the twig snapped and here I am again.

SAD? Most likely. Although I have been told I show all the signs of depression. The two are similar you know, in fact they are very closely related. There is however a difference between them and it is often overlooked and misdiagnosed.

I turn into a basement lunatic in the winter months. Even when I get plenty of fresh air and remember to take my vitamins, the Winter Blues still set in when I least expect them to. Sometimes there is a trigger and other times there is no warning whatsoever. My mind wanders, (More than usual) and tends to completely ignore all the wonderful things that are happening in my life. Instead I start to worry about everything I have little or no control over. I find the snow outside that yesterday I labeled "Charlie Brown Snow" becoming a dreaded event that only causes me anguish and despair. The shoveling I called good exercise turns into a pain in the ass and a waste of time.

I have tried a lot of different ways to deal with Seasonal Affective Disorder and the problem is that when something works, I forget all about it because I feel better. It is only when I get sucked back down into the muck that I start to search for the answer. Uhsually by the time I start searching though, I find the search to much of a hassle to bother with. I take to sleeping and being lazy, grouching about everything and soon I am really down. I alienate my family to the point that they avoid me and just let me hide, after all, I am not hurting anyone that way right?

I am beginning to understand why so many people take a vacation in the winter months, escaping to a warmer climate with sun and water. I wonder how long an exposure someone would need, away from the ice and snow, before that switch got turned back on and they could begin to function again? I am sure somewhere there is a multi million dollar government study that answers these questions in depth and explains it all, and I could probably find it, if I had the patience and drive to do so. But right now I really have to get outside in the fresh air and enjoy this winter wonderland. That is the nice way to say, "Man is it ever gonna quit snowing?"

I am off to shovel, Have a super day!
TBC

Rapid fire, "Do You Believe?"

Yes, I have been thinking out loud lately so I figured, what the heck, I will write it down.

Belief Don't leave home without it!

Where does it come from, and more importantly, where does it hide when it goes away?

There are a lot of reasons for belief and even more things to believe in. We can believe in Santa or Faeries, or Unicorns. There are reasons to believe in just about anything, especially things we cannot see or touch. If something is important enough to us we put it into our belief system. Sometimes it is a thing we cannot explain. We are sure it exists but we do not know how, or sometimes even what it is. Still we believe in it.

Then there are the things we want to believe in. These are the things that we tend to think are too good to be true so we want proof they are real before, we can truly believe. Among the most common of these is believing in oneself. The path we have chosen or perhaps the ability to do something that we are skeptical about. Take something like communicating with animals, or ancestors. We want to believe it is real so we conceive it is real, but our logical minds tell us that it is not possible. This comes from our conditioning toward any given belief. If we are told over and over throughout our lives that it cannot be so, that subconsciously becomes a part of our belief system also.

This leads us to denial or dis-belief. It does not have to be something we have been brought up to exclude from our belief system, it can instead be brought on by a series of events that prove to us, a reasonable doubt. Even things that have become solidly planted within our belief structure can become questionable. Our belief or "faith: can be shaken by something we had not considered before. When a counter fact is introduced, and cannot be denied easily, we fall into disbelief. Disillusion can be a real struggle when attempting to weigh our beliefs against a counter logic.

So what is belief? Belief is the perception that something is, period. It is not always a good belief though and sometimes this plays an even greater role in our system. If we believe something we cannot see or touch is bad and can hurt us or give us bad luck it can influence our decisions even more easily. This is known as superstition. When this factor comes into play we are very easily swayed from attaining a goal, hence, superstition is anti-belief.

It is important to believe in certain things in order to maintain a healthy and positive attitude toward life. If there is one thing that you must believe in it is the self. If there is no self confidence and self assurance then a person cannot advance toward a goal. It doesn't take a lot either to make a great difference. This is the only part of the system that can remain in the gray area and still function with any reasonable benefits. As long as we believe we are doing alright, there is always room for progress. Just that minimal belief can be enough to sustain the flame within and point us toward a greater light.

My candle is still burning, how about yours?
TBC 2008

Christmas spirit

I was having a good day for all that I had been through in the last week. I had put my personal problems aside and donned my Merry Christmas hat, the one I have had for many years. It is rather unique and always brings comments, adding to the atmosphere of the season. I headed out to help a friend before breakfast after he called for help. When I had finished there I decided to treat myself to a breakfast sandwich at the local deli, something which is not in my usual budget.

I am not sure where it came from but all at once I was bombarded with a question which sounded a lot like an accusation, It was about the tree which had been cut at the library. Not even a hello, just a loud outraged voice asking me if I knew who would do such a thing. I had not yet heard about the tree and said so, when I asked when it happened it got even more heated. I really do not know where the animosity came from but it certainly seemed to be aimed directly at me. In fact as I was leaving I asked them if they thought a local would do such a thing and was told just as harshly that they wouldn't rule out anyone.

After I left the store, I tried to regain my Christmas spirit but the thought of how I had been treated was far to overpowering. I began to think what the other people in the store must have thought hearing that angry booming voice directed at me in that fashion. It made me feel about 2 inches tall. Weather it was their intention to accuse me of this act, or weather they really thought I might somehow have information about it and not say anything was very degrading.

I have been a part of this town since 1964. I grew up here, I raised my son here, I buried my wife, daughter, brother and mother here. I have always been there to lend a helping hand to anyone who needed it and although I may not be wealthy I give more than most of the wealthy people I know. It may not be in a monetary manner with pomp and circumstance but it comes from the heart. Sometimes it is the little things that no one notices, that ease the worry and help people feel good inside that mean the most.

This Christmas will be a quiet one in our household. What money I have has gone toward heat and repairs. A few modest presents on a small table and a good meal in a warm dry house. We may not even get a Christmas tree but there will be music and laughter and love. This is what the season holds in store for us, and at the risk of being politically incorrect, I would like to wish everyone the simple joys of a Merry Christmas. After all, isn't that what Christmas is really all about?

Another piece of the web.

Hey all, just thought I would drop a quick note and let you know that I have finally created a basic website for C.W. Wolf. I have tried to keep it fresh with at least some new content each week like a site of the week and an occasional news blip. There are links to many of my other web endeavors there as well including my Cloud Music and my Digital art.

It is easy to find too! cwwolf.com How easy is that to type into a browser. I figured if I played the rules of kiss, (Keep It Simple Stupid) that it might even fly one day. I may have gone a little overboard on the colors though. Give it a look and let me know what you think.

Mitakuye Oyasin
~Cloud

Thinkpad Woes.

I recently got myself a “new to me” Thinkpad Laptop. Of course, since I am a geek so I had to install the latest Puppy Linux on it and see how it ran. It ran fine of course except for a few tweaks I just had to have. Software was no problem but I really wanted to have the ability to suspend the machine to low power mode. It wasn't really important since it boots in under 30 seconds but it was a challenge.

Long story short, I broke a very important tiny piece on the computer while playing detective. Silly me decided to push the lid switch down with a car key to see what the code would be that was set by this. It worked the first couple times but not being quite so careful, I pushed it sideways carelessly and snap.

Well, this really wouldn't be the end of the world if it didn't shut the backlight for the screen off when the lid closed. The problem was that when it broke, it jammed the switch in the off position, making the laptop think the lid was always closed. Just like a kid with a new toy, I played with it till I broke it. I always say, (You broke it, You fix it.") so that is what I did.

I set up a makeshift emergency room in the garage with bright surgical lighting, a sturdy table and a white top to make sure no tiny parts could get away. I downloaded the service manual on other laptop and put on my 1.5x reading glasses. Tools in place, I began to take the laptop apart.

I had a good idea that I was going to have to disassemble a good portion of the machine to get to the piece I had broken but I really didn't know just how much. Hard drive, Ram, Battery, Backup Battery, Cdrom, Keyboard. then it got interesting. 32 screws later and a good size pile of pieces parts I was holding the culprit in my hand. Sure enough, it was not a replaceable part.

I had up until now thought it would be a simple fix until I saw that the plastic was broken away from the spring steel piece which pushed the actual switch a few inches away. (See photos) Super glue? No it might melt the plastic. A tiny drill bit and a tinier screw? Even if I had one I think my fingers would be too big to perform that delicate surgery. Nope, it would be hot glue. Who knows how long the repair will last. So far so good though.

I learned several lessons from this though. Most of which I already knew like, use the right tool for the job and computers can be delicate items. These were more reminders of things we forget all to often. What I did learn is that even though I thought the tiny pieces were way beyond what I thought I could deal with, I still have the whereabouts to tackle a job like this and come out on top. So what did that teach me?

If it is already broken, you have a good chance at fixing it. Funny. I am not afraid of taking laptops apart anymore either.... as long as I have a good emergency room to work in. It is amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.

Coyote's Wish.

The story of how Coyote is competing with wolf for a sacred space.

Several years ago when I wrote the song Coyote's Wish on my first Native American style flute, Wolf was the center of my life. Brother Wolf had come to me in many ways to teach the lessons that only this animal can. Among these lessons was the lost connections, especially my connection to our Earth Mother. Wolf re-connected with the ways of the NA people, not just their ways, but also their spirituality,and more than that, their ancestors. Wolf is a huge part of my everyday life, but this blog is not about Brother Wolf.

In the past several months I have been seeing more and more of Coyote. I know him as “The Trickster” of legend, the one who is always making mischief and leading us astray. I have a feeling however that this connection holds much deeper meanings. I feel that I will never completely understand why a certain animal will cross our life path and make themselves known but there is always a reason for everything. Coyote has chosen this time and place, this point in my life to make himself known.

Walking home from the local garage on a very quiet rural Vermont road I had my latest encounters. I have lived in this area for most of my life and other than an occasional earful, I have not run across Coyote until recently. As of late however, it seems that I cannot avoid them, or him as I believe it is the same individual I keep bumping into. When I say crossed my path, I can say it in the literal sense because that is exactly what has happened. Several feet in front of me on a moonlit night, on several different nights, in several different places. Each time I startled this creature, and he startled me.

Last night for the first time I can remember, I saw him in a dream. He seemed to be playfully tossing a mouse or other small rodent into the air and catching it again. He did this many times before turning to look at me and swallowing his catch down whole. As the dream progressed he called me several times with Yips and Yelps, asking me to follow him as if he had something for me. After a rather long hike through the woods, at dusk, I found myself staring at Coyote once again. He was standing in the very spot where I had first began to follow him, we had gone in a very large circle.

My logical mind saw this as a waste of time of course, but the spiritual side of me saw many lessons and predictions in the dreams interpretation. I will leave these up to the reader though.

So then, why has Coyote come to me now? In real life, Wolf and Coyote do not see eye to eye at all. Wolf sees him as an opportunist, one who takes advantage of others good fortune. Coyote sees wolf as a bully who is not willing to share. They act as if they do not know they are cousins, more closely related genetically than many other species in the animal kingdom. Rivals in many ways, they compete for much of the same resources. Why then do they choose to meet on either side of me?

I look forward to these lessons, the ones each will reveal to me in the coming months. Both carry powerful medicine, both have important visionary aspects and lessons, and both represent unique lore and legend, one of my favorite parts of the lessons. It would be nice though if I could sit them both down and ask them face to face the questions I have for them. But then again, where is the fun in that?

Mitakuye Oyasin

CloudWalker Wolf

2008

Photo courtesy of Pennsylvania Game Commission