Yeah, I know what you are saying. What the heck is this guy thinking? Before you jump to any conclusions, please hear me out. This could be the single most important discovery of the decade and possibly the new Millennium. A conspiracy so involved that only the most cautious of masterminds could have conceived it and carried it out. This is a truly horrifying plan, a plan that is potentially as sinister as World Domination.... But I digress.
I have had several confirmations recently which seem to confirm my suspicions about this spreading phenomenon and the ripple effect it has begun to cause in the average American household. Worse than this, it has become apparent that it has been sited in several other countries and continents. Although several of these are still lacking enough supportive documentation, the mounting evidence suggests that we need to act quickly in order to slow this conspiracy. Left to it's own devices, The Fork Conspiracy could rapidly become unstoppable.
It started out nearly unnoticed just a couple years ago, in fact it was usually taken for granted. First it would be only one, and then there would be a carefully calculated measure of time before the next would fall victim. The plot had to be well thought out so no one would expect foul play. By timing the occurrences and gradually advancing the time table to a shorter period, it would become almost commonplace. One would hardly take note when the next one disappeared. I had my suspicions for a long time, it was not until I started really keeping track that I uncovered the truth.
I will spare you the gory details of dates and numbers, locations and descriptions. Instead I will concentrate on the issue at hand and this simple fact. Worldwide, every day when it is least expected, forks are disappearing. That's right, and you don't even have to take my word for it. It can be proven with this simple test.
Place a medium size towel on your counter. A table top or other flat surface will do if your counter is unavailable. You can also use a standard dish towel but this will limit the visual impact of the experiment. It is imperative that you understand the severity of this so please follow the directions as closely as possible to ensure an accurate accounting.
Look in your dishwasher, sink, silverware drawer and dish drainer and gather every item that you call tableware, flatware, silverware or eating utensils. These include but are not limited to the following.
Soup spoons, tablespoons, teaspoons, grapefruit spoons, demitasse spoons, iced tea spoons, table knives, steak knives, butter knives and finally dinner forks , salad forks and desert forks. Place the items on the cloth according to the type of item. Place the spoons together, the knives together and the forks together all in their own spot.
Please be forewarned, you are not going to like the results of this experiment and if you believe the final results may be too disturbing, do not continue. This is not for the weak of heart and I ask you to do this only if you are certain that the results will in no way cause you harm or mental anguish. I will not be responsible for the effects and you must take into account the risks involved in this experiment. If you are sure that you can handle this without causing duress you may continue at your own risk. I can tell you from personal experience that this can be very disruptive to your everyday life if you allow the results to inhibit your thinking.
I became obsessed with this project after I began to realize what was happening, in fact it actually caused irrefutable differences between myself and several family members. This can cause other issues which will be discussed later in the full disclosure statement. The following is not to be taken lightly. If I had not taken matters into my own hands when I saw what was happening, I may well have not made a full recovery. Consider yourselves warned and do not read on unless you are fully prepared.
Count the spoons. You will find they are all there except for a couple teaspoons. I am sure if you give it enough thought at this point, you will know where the missing spoons have gone. Each one has a history and most will eventually be found. Count the knives. Again there are a minimal number missing, or more correctly, misplaced. These too can be easily accounted for and justified. I bet you even know who used that missing steak knife and didn't return it.
Now for the horror. Count the forks. That's right! There are so many missing it is not at all logical... That is unless you examine the Fork Conspiracy carefully. Where do they all go? How come there are so many missing? The answer is obvious, they are forks. Forks are the only tool that man makes that can do what they do. In these troubled times they are disappearing even faster than in years past, and why you ask? I cannot tell you for fear of my life. I have already been threatened several times in this year and have vowed not to speak of the reason. I can however tell you that the answer is right under your nose.
Tread carefully
~Cloud
